Pain Transformed

It's been 12 years.   12 years since my miscarriage and I still hold this day close to my heart.  I hold it, without an reminder on my phone,  without anyone else telling me,  it's a day I never forget.  

I have a box that I keep memories about my 12 week pregnancy.  In it,  a little lamb,  the announcement of my pregnancy and emails about our bad news.    I read them again today, and in all honesty I am grateful.   I am grateful for the replies.  Messages of warmth,  messages of condolence and love,  and messages reaffirming my strength.    On a day where I could sit in sadness for what never was,  I sit in gratitude about what is. 

I am grateful that this experience happened to me, what it put me through, and how this little soul taught me such huge life lessons.  
I am grateful for the  deep sadness and anger I went through and the struggles I face when trying to conceive our next child.  
I am grateful for being reminded of my husband's strength to not only loose the same baby, but to support me through my emotional and physical pain of an empty womb.  
I am grateful for the acknowledgement I have received over the years that my baby did exist,  and that people care about that little person.
I am grateful that my children now talk about the baby that came before them.  
I am grateful for the time I get to reflect  on how I have grown,  who I have become and what motherhood means to me.  

12 years seems like a lifetime ago,  and if I had read this then, I may have not wanted to hear my own word.  I just sit here knowing that the pain which seemed to encompass my whole world hasn't changed in size,  but that I, as a woman, mother, and wife have grown so much and the pain has transformed to gratitude, acceptance and love